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How to manage our own anxiety when dealing with our anxious child/teen:
Jarrod here. The more we can model confidence for our kids, the better. It is common for anxious kids to learn anxiety from teachers, parents, etc. We want to have a strategy on managing our own anxiety each day as we model how to approach problem solving. Here are some ideas:
1. Normalize & Validate Your Child's Experience
- Understand that anxiety is common and that their feelings are valid. There are legitimate reasons to feel fear!
- Reassure your kids that they are not alone in managing this challenge.
Examples
“I can see that you’re feeling really nervous right now, and that’s okay. Everyone feels this way sometimes.”
“Your feelings are not dangerous. They may be uncomfortable, but they will pass.”
"I believe that together we will continue to face this hurdle together. One day at a time."
2. Teach the Anxiety Cycle
- Explain to our kids that anxiety is fueled by avoidance and reassurance-seeking.
- Show how our own anxiety responses (e.g., overprotecting, excessive reassurance, avoidance techniques) may unintentionally reinforce our child’s anxiety.
- Anxiety is a normal human response; it doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with them or their child.
- The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety but to teach the child to manage it.
3. Shift from "Fixing" to Coaching
- Parents need to guide rather than rescue from anxious feelings. Guidance allows the emotional space for support, while reducing the need for our kids to learn that parents will solve their own anxiety problem.
- Encourage problem-solving instead of providing immediate solutions. Problem solving shows that you believe in your kid to learn to manage this issue. Over time, this can be a very intrinsic message where they will believe they can overcome the problem at hand.
What parents can say to their child:
“I know this feels really hard, but I also know you can handle it.”
“You’ve been nervous before, and you got through it. You can do it again.”
4. Model Calm & Confident Responses
- Practice managing your own stress and anxiety response. Remember the power of co-regulation—children absorb our own emotional states.
What parents can say to their child:
- Instead of *“It’s okay, you don’t have to do it, ” say *“I know this is tough, but I believe in you.”
- Instead of *“Let me do it for you”, say *“Let’s figure this out together.”
- Instead of *“You’ll be fine, don’t worry” say *“It’s okay to feel nervous. Let’s take a deep breath together.”*
5. Teach Tolerating Discomfort
- Accept that your child will feel anxious sometimes and that’s okay. Everyone in one form or another feels anxious. The question is not whether or not someone feels anxious, but how we approach the feelings. Shift the focus from "making anxiety go away" to "helping the child navigate it."
What parents can say to their child:
- Instead of *“Yes, everything will be fine” say *“What do you think will happen? How could you handle that?”
- Instead of *“I promise nothing bad will happen”say *“No one can know the future, but you’ve handled hard things before.”
6. Encourage Gradual Exposure
- Support small, manageable steps for your child to face fears. Continue to reinforce the "long game." Patience and persistence over time rather than avoidance and all or nothing thinking.
Example: If a child is afraid of ordering food at a restaurant:
- Step 1: Watch parents order at restaurant
- Step 2: Practice ordering at home. Role play the waiter coming up to the table. Practice, practice, practice. Your anxious child can practice the role of the waiter, practice the role of the anxious person. Remember, it is a skill they are learning.
- Step 3: Say one word (“burger”) or one sentence to the waiter at the restaurant.
- Step 4: Order on their own.
- Step 5 (Bonus): Order for the whole family. Extra ice cream for the win!
Parent Coaching:
- Let’s break this into small steps so it feels easier.”
- What’s one small thing you can do today to challenge yourself? I believe in you being able to do this!"
7. Self-Care for Parents
- You cannot pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself, build community, practice your own coping skills. Being on "high alert" each day can be exhausting and frankly discouraging.
What parents can say to themselves:
- “My child is not in danger; they are just feeling anxious. I can support them without feeding the anxiety.”
8. Offer Your Child Scripts & Practical Tools
- Provide specific phrases your kids can use instead of reassurance (for example, "You got this," instead of "You’ll be fine" or "Don't worry about it.")
- Make learning a family exercise. Grounding exercises, breathing and coping skills are things the whole family can do together to connect.
Ideas:
- **5-4-3-2-1 Grounding** (Name: 5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, 1 thing you taste)
- **Balloon Breathing** (Pretend to blow up a balloon, inhale slowly, exhale as if blowing into a balloon)
Final Takeaways
✔ Validate anxiety without over-reassuring.
✔ Model calm responses instead of reacting with fear.
✔ Coach rather than rescue. Teach small, manageable exposures to fears. Celebrate small wins.
✔ Encourage self-care. This is a journey, and while exhausting at times, can be very rewarding when you see progress.
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