Tips and Tricks: Perfectionism 

Interesting Ideas to Consider and Learn on Daily Parenting Challenges. 

Sent by Jarrod Hood, January 24, 2025

How to Manage Perfectionist Tendencies: 

Jarrod here. Helping a perfectionist child or teen complete an assignment requires patience, encouragement, and strategies to manage their expectations. Being a high achiever is great, but not at the expense of living life and actually enjoying it.  Here are some ideas:

1. Set the Right Tone

• Focus on Effort Over Outcome: Praise their effort and process rather than the final product. For example, say, "I love how hard you're working on this!"
• Normalize Mistakes: Reassure your kid that mistakes are a natural part of learning. Share examples of your own mistakes and what you learned from them.

2. Break the Task Into Smaller Steps

• Divide the assignment into manageable chunks. This can help them feel less overwhelmed and give a sense of accomplishment as they complete each part.
• Use a checklist or visuals (stickers or drawings) to track progress and celebrate each step.

3. Model Imperfection

• Create something alongside them but deliberately make small mistakes, and show how to handle them calmly. For example, if you're drawing, say, "Oops, my line went off, but I can fix it or turn it into something new." With teens, share more specific adult like examples of workplace challenges and how things do not always go right.   

4. Provide Choices

• Give them options within the assignment to feel in control. For example, "Would you like to color with crayons or markers?" With high schoolers, have more specific frank discussions on the way you have utilized different options in your life/career.  

5. Set a Time Limit

• Perfectionists often get stuck on details. Gently enforce a time limit for each part of the assignment to help them keep moving. For example, "Let's spend 10 minutes on this part, then we'll move on."

6. Create a “Good Enough” Rule

• Help them understand that not everything has to be perfect. Set a standard like, "If you think it's okay to show your teacher, it's good enough!"

7. Use Encouraging Language

• Instead of “fixing” their work, ask questions like:
  • “What do you think about this part?”
  • “What’s your favorite part of what you’ve done so far?”

8. Reward Completion, Not Perfection

• Celebrate when they finish the assignment. You can say, "You worked hard, and you did it!" instead of focusing on any imperfections.

9. Stay Calm and Patient

• Perfectionist children may get frustrated or intense about their performance.  Validate their feelings by saying, "It's okay to feel upset when things don't go as planned." Guide them back to the task gently. Problem solve with them. 

10. Involve Their Teacher

• If perfectionism is interfering with schoolwork, talk to their teacher. They might provide additional strategies or reassurance about their expectations for the child’s work.

Here are some specific ideas for elementary school age children:

1. Drawing/Art Assignments

• Activity: "Silly Scribbles Challenge"

  • Ask your child to close their eyes and scribble on a piece of paper. Then challenge them to turn their scribble into something creative, like a fish or a funny face.
  • Why It Helps: This shows them that art doesn’t need to start perfectly to look great in the end.

• Activity: "Two-Minute Masterpiece"

  • Set a timer for two minutes and ask them to draw anything they want within that time. Reassure them it’s okay if it’s unfinished or messy.
  • Why It Helps: Teaches them to let go of details and focus on fun and creativity.

2. Writing Practice

• Activity: "Mix-and-Match Stories"

  • Write random words or short phrases on slips of paper (e.g., "A cat," "went to space," "on a rocket"). Let them pick a few and make up a story about them. Encourage silly, imperfect ideas.
  • Why It Helps: Shifts focus from correctness to imagination and enjoyment.

• Activity: "Mistake Monsters"

  • If they make a mistake in writing, encourage them to transform it. For example, if they accidentally write a "j" where they meant "i," turn it into a smiling monster or silly doodle.
  • Why It Helps: Reinforces the idea that mistakes can be fun opportunities.

3. Math Activities

• Activity: "Guess My Number"

  • Play a guessing game where you think of a number between 1 and 10. If they guess wrong, praise them for trying and give a fun clue (e.g., “Oops! Too high! Try a smaller number!”).
  • Why It Helps: It teaches them to enjoy the process of trial and error.

• Activity: "Messy Counting"

  • Use colorful objects like buttons or beads. Let them group and count but emphasize creating fun patterns rather than neat lines.
  • Why It Helps: Focuses on exploration, not perfect organization.

4. Reading Assignments

• Activity: "Silly Words While Reading"

  • While reading a simple story together, ask them to make up a silly word to replace one of the words on the page (e.g., replacing "dog" with "wibble"). Laugh together when they do.
  • Why It Helps: Reduces pressure to read every word perfectly and builds confidence.

• Activity: "Creative Voices"

  • Have them read aloud in funny voices, like a robot, a monster, or a baby. Model it first to encourage them to loosen up.
  • Why It Helps: Shifts focus from reading perfectly to having fun with the activity.

5. Building and Problem-Solving

• Activity: "Imperfect Towers"

  • Use blocks or LEGOs and challenge them to build the wackiest, most uneven tower they can without it falling over.
  • Why It Helps: Encourages experimentation over perfection and builds resilience when things don’t go as planned.

• Activity: "What Went Wrong?"

  • Build something with them and deliberately make "mistakes" (like putting a LEGO piece in the wrong spot). Then laugh about it and ask for their help fixing it.
  • Why It Helps: Teaches them that mistakes are part of problem-solving.

6. Creative Play

• Activity: "Imperfect Puppet Show"

  • Create puppets using paper bags or socks. Then act out a story where the characters make silly mistakes and find creative ways to fix them.
  • Why It Helps: Encourages laughter about imperfection in a playful way.

• Activity: "Wacky Rules Game"

  • Invent a game where the rules keep changing (e.g., "Every time we roll a 6, we switch colors!"). Focus on laughing and adapting as the game gets sillier.
  • Why It Helps: Builds flexibility and adaptability.

Tips for Using These Activities

• Model enthusiasm and enjoyment: Your excitement will make the activities more engaging and enjoyable.
• Celebrate imperfection: Laugh together when something goes "wrong" to show it’s okay.
• Stay flexible and keep having fun: Adapt the activity to your child’s comfort level and interests.

Here is the thing, perfectionism is well meaning as one is really trying to do the best they can do. But there are some unintended consequences that come with it. Focus on the process and the effort that comes with it. Strong effort leads to stronger self esteem and better sense of "wellbeing." 

"Done is better than perfect." – Sheryl Sandberg

 "Perfection is the enemy of progress."– Winston Churchill

"Perfectionism doesn’t make you feel perfect; it makes you feel inadequate." – Maria Shriver 

 CHECK OUT CONTENT and WEBSITE ONLINE:  

 Until next week, 

Jarrod Hood

Counselor, coach and content creator